A while back I started a blog series called “Filling the Void”. If you are long time reader of my blog, you may have remembered this series but you may have also noticed that I no longer updated it… and I took the posts down. Why? Hard to answer that one, I felt the urge to retreat and one day I just decided to remove the posts from my blog and close the book on this adventure with the feminine divine.
I’m a pure Gemini, my portrait should be in a dictionary under the word “indecisive”. I tend to dive all into something only to pull back the reigns when things get too real for me or I start to open up too much. Exploring the Creatrix was one venture that I decided to step back from. I’ve been an Atheist all my life but as I got to know myself more and more I learned that I identify much more as a Pantheist over the years, yet I don’t often don’t speak about it. One thing I’ve learned is that I am very much on a spiritual journey and the older I get, the more interested I become. Another thing I’ve learned about myself is that when it comes to my own spiritual journey, labels can’t be a focus or I tend to really feel disconnected and consumed at the same time, at least right now. This may change as I grow more and get more comfortable, it usually does.
This is the only area of my life that I have learned labels do not work for me. I give myself many labels in other areas of my life… vegan, feminist, tarot reader, mother, daughter, wife... the list goes on. But when it comes to spirituality, I have a struggle with labels and what they mean to me. Am I witch? Yes. Do I call myself one? Not often but I’m slowly saying it more, it’s very rare that I do. I don’t feel shame or anything, in fact it’s the opposite. I find the word “witch” to be very empowering! So why not say it? Possibly fear of being judged… no, not possibly, I know that’s the reason. I have been afraid of so much growing up when it comes to speaking my mind and I always fear being judged. Yet, I give everyone else advice to say “fuck off” to those that judge you… I never take my own advice. I’m sure I’m not the only one!
There is so much I want to write about on my blog but fear is the underlying theme of why I don’t. I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of hiding what I want to say. Publishing this post alone is a big step for me, just like the first one I did in this series. It’s stepping out of the shadows of my comfort zone to speak what’s on my mind.
Nothing brings me more joy than when I surround myself with SHE and her power. I feel the happiest when I take time out of my day to go outside and thank the Universe. Before every tarot reading, I start out by saying “Dear Creatrix/Universe…”. Being a feminist, I love the energy that women raise when together or apart, I am proud to be a woman and proud to be in good company. I love every story and depiction of the Goddess, yet the second I feel like I could be judged, I retreat. I clear off my Creatrix altar, pack away my goddess books, and put away my spiritual journal. Everything goes out of sight and I feel I have turned my back on HER and it hurts. I have never been threatened, told, or emailed about anything I’ve ever done, ever. I’ve never been trolled and I’ve never been laughed at. So why do I fear so much? I’m pretty sure I need to sit down and work on some shadow work!
So what is this post all about? No idea, but it feels good to type it out! Typing away about my passion that I fear, but love at the same time. I will be returning to this post series here and there as I feel inspired, I can’t ignore the messages any longer and I’m once again drawn back into working with the Goddess in my life. This time, I will not run away and hide! The Creatrix is well and alive in my house and on my altar, in fact my daughter has been actively involved in helping to create the new SHE altar!She calls it the “Girl Power” table and I love it. I feel comforted by bringing this back into my life. I have been seeing signs everywhere I go that the Universe is trying to get my attention… I am listening.
*I use Creatrix/Goddess/SHE/ Universe/Etc all interchangeably
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