My path always seems to go full circle and I find myself standing at the “beginning” as if I go through seasons. I am after all a Gemini, never standing in the same place long. Over the past few years I have started to accept this, the always moving and changing of energy. I can’t get away from it, so it’s much easier to relax and let it be, embrace the feelings of change… even though they come so often it makes me dizzy. Right when I feel like I’m grasping things firmly and feeling a slight connection forming on my spiritual path, I find myself retreating back and retreating. Retreating back to the Cosmos, where I feel I belong and where I feel the most secure.
With my exploration of the Goddess, I was feeling pretty wide open in this adventure and just at the snap of my fingers, I feel myself pulling back to the void. I’m always trying to go in a different direction but always return to this safe space. Maybe this is a potent sign that my path has been in focus all along and I’m just fighting it. I always want “more” but never feel comfortable when I find it. Once again, my path has changed and retreated back to the start, yet I’m feeling much more comfort this time around.
When I started this “post series” I set up a new altar space for the goddess archetypes and would visit it at least once a day, light some incense and just sit with the feminine energies for a little while. Then, as each week went by, I spent less and less time in this space. Then, one day, I just stopped showing up and avoided this space. I decided to let things sit as is for a bit before I did too much thinking, sometimes I pull away only to return a couple days later… this didn’t happen. I found myself seeking out comfort under the stars in the early morning hours before the sun would rise. When I took my dog out in the middle of the night, I would stand in a daze while I stare up at the moon, in whatever form she was in. It hit me that this is my belonging, this is where I feel the most comfort and the most moved… under the night sky, walking barefoot in the grass, or feeling the rain on my face during a storm.
I think it’s time I start being honest with myself and my path. I’m very much a Pantheist and I don’t understand why I fear it so much. I’m very stubborn in my beliefs (well, non-beliefs you could say) and I’ve been quite comfortable calling myself an Atheist. I am still Atheistic when it comes to logic and my beliefs, but emotionally I am very much a Pantheist… even though others will argue that you cannot be both. No matter what direction I try to move my practice and path in, I always fall back to science, nature, and the cosmos. Sadly, I have decided to end my exploration of the Goddess as a central focus, but she still holds a sacred space in my heart. I still work with the archetypes daily and see her in every aspect of my life. I am just going to open myself up to exploring what I have been pushing away for so many years, that is Pantheism. Perhaps instead of cutting the cord to this post series I can continue it in the direction I am led, so we shall see!